Turning bitterness into joy.

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Being transparent.  This last year as been one of the loneliest  years of my life.   Hear me out.  I have a wonderful family.  I have amazing friends.  I have a job I am thankful for.  I have so much to be blessed with but I have been lonely.   A kind of lonely I can't explain other than my life has been so chaotic and full of ups and downs that I've lost touch with others and in addition to that, I've lost touch with myself.  

I've been in teenager mode.   The kind of mode where you just can't quite find your spot where you feel like you fit in.  I come with a lot of 'baggage'.  And by baggage I mean I have to be creative in juggling life and it's crazy, hectic schedule.  And by the time I get done juggling that schedule I'm tired.  And with tired comes isolation. And because of that, I started withdrawing myself and replacing joy with bitterness.   Happiness with sadness.   And it feels crummy.   

Yesterday I woke up with this crazy idea to go to St. Louis.  I had a need.  Yes, it really was a need.  I needed new work clothes.  As fun as that sounds, it's something I've put off for several months because I've not been happy with my size.  But alas I decided to embrace it and road trip with my little friend as Isaac had baseball practice so he and Dave couldn't go.   When I started out on this venture I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I felt like I should have had someone in the passenger seat chatting away about life with me.  I tried calling friends to chat with on the way down to St. Louis and like many people with lives, everyone's phone went into voicemail.   

So there I was, driving in silence and feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness.  But then as clear as it could be a light bulb went on and I realized that in the busyness and chaos of the last 2 years of my life, I had moved God from first place to God when I have time for you or the God when I need something.   And suddenly, it all became clearer..."to every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the Heaven."  I spent the remainder of my drive in prayer while my little friend napped.  Prayer for friends with big mountains ahead of them.  Prayers for my mountains.   I felt something I haven't truly felt in a long time.  I felt a teeny tiny sliver of Joy.   

Lysa TerKeurst posted this yesterday and it couldn't have been anymore directed to me:

Isn't it the most lovely thought that God might be waiting for there to be some silence in our lives in order to share some of His best secrets with us?

The enemy wants us to believe that times of silence are a curse of loneliness.

God wants us to know that times of silence are really pathways to closeness with Him.

So here I am friends asking you to pray for me.  Pray for me as I walk through this time in my life that feels like disorganized chaos.   Pray for me as I pray to turn my bitterness into joy and my sorrow into laughter.   Pray for me on the days when I'm feeling grouchy and the days I feel weak.  Pray for me as I walk through the times of loneliness that I will use these times to grow with God and to find myself again.   Pray for me to find joy in this journey that we called life.