Turning bitterness into joy.

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Being transparent.  This last year as been one of the loneliest  years of my life.   Hear me out.  I have a wonderful family.  I have amazing friends.  I have a job I am thankful for.  I have so much to be blessed with but I have been lonely.   A kind of lonely I can't explain other than my life has been so chaotic and full of ups and downs that I've lost touch with others and in addition to that, I've lost touch with myself.  

I've been in teenager mode.   The kind of mode where you just can't quite find your spot where you feel like you fit in.  I come with a lot of 'baggage'.  And by baggage I mean I have to be creative in juggling life and it's crazy, hectic schedule.  And by the time I get done juggling that schedule I'm tired.  And with tired comes isolation. And because of that, I started withdrawing myself and replacing joy with bitterness.   Happiness with sadness.   And it feels crummy.   

Yesterday I woke up with this crazy idea to go to St. Louis.  I had a need.  Yes, it really was a need.  I needed new work clothes.  As fun as that sounds, it's something I've put off for several months because I've not been happy with my size.  But alas I decided to embrace it and road trip with my little friend as Isaac had baseball practice so he and Dave couldn't go.   When I started out on this venture I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I felt like I should have had someone in the passenger seat chatting away about life with me.  I tried calling friends to chat with on the way down to St. Louis and like many people with lives, everyone's phone went into voicemail.   

So there I was, driving in silence and feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness.  But then as clear as it could be a light bulb went on and I realized that in the busyness and chaos of the last 2 years of my life, I had moved God from first place to God when I have time for you or the God when I need something.   And suddenly, it all became clearer..."to every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the Heaven."  I spent the remainder of my drive in prayer while my little friend napped.  Prayer for friends with big mountains ahead of them.  Prayers for my mountains.   I felt something I haven't truly felt in a long time.  I felt a teeny tiny sliver of Joy.   

Lysa TerKeurst posted this yesterday and it couldn't have been anymore directed to me:

Isn't it the most lovely thought that God might be waiting for there to be some silence in our lives in order to share some of His best secrets with us?

The enemy wants us to believe that times of silence are a curse of loneliness.

God wants us to know that times of silence are really pathways to closeness with Him.

So here I am friends asking you to pray for me.  Pray for me as I walk through this time in my life that feels like disorganized chaos.   Pray for me as I pray to turn my bitterness into joy and my sorrow into laughter.   Pray for me on the days when I'm feeling grouchy and the days I feel weak.  Pray for me as I walk through the times of loneliness that I will use these times to grow with God and to find myself again.   Pray for me to find joy in this journey that we called life.   

blessings & bruises

This quote says it all.  I couldn't say it better.   

I've started this post I don't know how many times on this blog over the last few months and have ended up deleting them.   These last few months have been filled with laughter, tears, headaches and heartaches, blessings and bruises, exhaustion, frustration.   We've celebrated milestones and we've shed tears.   There is nothing easy about life and we know that.   If God made life simple, we wouldn't need to rely on Him like we do.   But I can't help but have days where I feel like we suffer more bruises than blessings and that the grass always seems greener on the other side.   

Being totally 110% raw, my heart is heavy and my body is exhausted.   I've never wanted to be a quitter so much in life than I do now and I'm pretty sure many would tell us we aren't crazy for doing so.  I've been fighting giants this year left and right.   I've watched my son struggle with his own giants and this fostering adventure has almost turned into a fostering nightmare.   

A very sweet person the other day told me..."you go places I only dream of" when referencing our fostering experience.   I wept at those words.   So often this call to be foster parents comes with tears and pain.    We've been told over and over "I don't know how you do this" or "this is going to be so hard on you" and all too often the negative sinks in, the doubt creeps up and your world seems like its falling apart.   You've seen 'friends' disappear because you suddenly took in that other person's child and they don't have time for you nor understand why you would do such a thing.  But this person, this person put things in a new perspective for me.   I should be so blessed that God called Dave and I to foster.   I've had the opportunity to love on 7 kids that left an imprint on my heart I will never regret.   I've been blessed with the chance to love on a sweet friend for almost 16 months now and help them through the hardest and most darkest times in their little life.   I know more about you than anyone else on this planet.  

I know that you don't like your arms covered up at night, I know that you despise hot dogs and strawberries and will throw them on the floor the minute they hit your tray.  I know that you belly laugh when you are tickled.   I know that you sit on the drain of the bathtub to prevent us from letting the water out at the end of your bath.   I know that you get your feelings hurt very easily.   I know that you have a sweet tooth and will quietly say "mmmm" when you taste something you like.  I know that you are a fighter and that is what has brought you this far in life.   I know that God has big plans for you and while our time together won't be forever I at least get to be a small part of your story.   

I also know that I'm at a point where I/we need your prayers.   As hard as it is, my heart is preparing me for the final goodbye and what great pain that brings to think about never seeing my little friend again.  The friend who has robbed me of hours of sleep.   The friend that climbs on the kitchen table 20 times a day and won't take no for an answer.   The friend that has broken more of my necklaces than I can even count.   The friend that showed me how to be selfless instead of selfish.   

I end this very sloppy post just asking you to pray for Dave and I tonight.  Pray for guidance, wisdom, peace, you name it.   My story is cryptic and my post is vague but the amazing thing about this story is that God knows the details and we covet your prayers.