Let go.

My mind is mush.   It's going in 20 directions at once.   The fact that I just formulated two partial sentences has to be a miracle.  I'm tired.  My heart hurts.  My head hurts.   I literally got home and told my husband I needed a few minutes to clear my head and just took off walking...work shoes, work clothes and all.   I have no idea how far I walked, but I know it was a good walk.  

17 months ago our lives turned upside down.   We welcomed a sweet baby boy into our lives.   I haven't slept in 17 months.  I've put on 30 pounds.   I'm exhausted.   Work is a vacation most days compared to reality.  

We had court today.   I hate court.   There is something about court that puts me into anxiety mode.   Nothing about our hearing today was smooth.   There appears to be no end in sight to this circus we have joined and being brutally honest, I broke today.   After 90 minutes of intense testimonies the judge asked if anyone had anything to say...I hesitated.   Those next to me noticed.   In a teeny tiny voice I said "I do" and was thankful he didn't hear me, but then those next to me brought it to his attention and there at 6pm I found myself borderline meltdown telling the judge I just don't know if I can do this.   I'm exhausted.   I'm tired of the countless appointments and my side job as a chauffeur to those appointments.  I missed my dad's surgery today.   I missed sitting in the waiting room with my mom.   I missed my son's martial arts promotion to see him get his new yellow belt.   Instead, I sat in a court room growing an ulcer and working on a coronary.   

Fostering is hard.   There is no sugar coating.  There is no win win.   With this case I had big dreams.  I dreamed that we could truly be just the foster parents.  I wanted to build a relationship with the family and see this little one be reunified.  I wanted this.  I needed this.   I'm not feeling this.   Instead I worry.   I think about all of the what if's.   

Immediately after the hearing ended and the judge released us, I did something I haven't done in over 17 months.   I broke down.  I lost it.   I sobbed.  Not the quiet sob but the loud, uncontrollable sob that no matter how hard you try to stop, it just gets worse.   I was able to say things to those that needed to hear it and that were long overdue comments.   I literally just let go and wept in my husband's arms as he wept with me.   We're tired.   We're hurting.   We're frustrated.   We're experiencing everything we feel like we shouldn't be experiencing.  

I miss my life.  I miss the calm.   I miss my friends.   I feel lonely.   I feel tired.   I need to set up a go fund me account just for some beach therapy with my family.   I ask myself the tough questions...how can we quit this far in?   I don't know.   I don't know how I can give up on a child that has only known me as his caregiver and comfort for the last 17 months.  I don't know how I could say goodbye knowing it was on my terms and not a judge's terms.  I feel selfish for even thinking it but wonder how much more we can endure.    

I just don't know.   I appreciate all of the texts, phone calls, and messages tonight.   I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back with you.   Pray for us friends.  Pray for those involved on this case.  I believe they are all as weary as we are.