RX to relax

It's no secret that 2017 has not been a year that my peers would be envious of.   In January I had surgery for a minor problem.   Thanks to meeting my deductible by January 19th I decided that in April I was going to have an ankle surgery I had put off for 6 years.   Most of you know that story...my ankle surgery recovery did something to upset a cyst that I didn't know about and I ended up spending my Good Friday in the hospital having tests done.   Being brutally honest...when I was sent to the ER they either thought I was severely constipated from the foot surgery or that I had appendicitis.   I've never prayed so hard for a constipation diagnosis.  When the ER doctor told me I had a cyst, I was just angry.   I was already in a bad mood because my little ankle surgery was a little more complex and my recovery wasn't what I had envisioned.   As the weeks went on and we met to schedule my surgery for removing the cyst, I continued to operate in "Amy mode".  

Definition of Amy Mode:  Amy mentally formulates a plan.  Amy executes the plan.  Amy gets really stressed out when said plan does not go her way.  

With the surgery date set, I started planning.  I arranged childcare for the boys.   Made reservations at the hotel.   Got all of my work taken care of for the 2 weeks I was going to be off and while I was not looking forward to the surgery, I had successfully arranged every little detail of my life to make it tolerable.   In Amy's world, I was having my cyst removed on May 10th at 8:30am.  My 2 hour surgery would be followed by the promised 1 hour recovery and I was going to be home in time for Dave to run and pick Isaac up from school.  Again, it was tolerable.  

The morning of surgery day I was scared because I knew in my heart something was not right...that will be a whole other blog post.   Things were going very smoothly and I was my surgeon's only operation for the day.   That being said, I was elated when I was taken back to the OR at 8:15am because we were running ahead of schedule!   When I woke up in recovery and the events began to unfold, I remember Dave coming to talk to me about all that happened.   As I was laying there listening to him explain everything I asked him what time it was (because in my world, it was 10:30am).   When Dave told me 2:30pm and that surprise! you are being admitted I was honestly in shock.   I had no emotion at that point.

The next couple of days were a recipe of adrenaline & pain medicine.   At one point on Thursday afternoon, I sat in my hospital bed and sobbed to which terrified the nurse who came in to check on me.  I was overwhelmed.   I missed my kids.  I was in mourning over never being able to carry a child within me again and I was scared.  I was scared about being off of work for 6 weeks.  I was scared of not being able to function at my level of independence.   I was scared at the amount of help we were going to need in order to survive.   I was scared of losing my independence.  I was scared because life was not going to be 'normal'.   I was scared about not having a paycheck.  I knew that we would be fine but there is just that unsettled feeling and other than for a maternity leave, I've never taken that much time off from a job before.   I felt waves of guilt over not being able to maintain my caseload and having to rely on my coworkers to step in for me.  

Confession:  I checked my work email the morning after my surgery.   Shhhh.  I have a problem!   But when you have a great job, it's a good problem.  ;)  

The last 3 weeks have been weird.   Humbling myself, the first two weeks of my leave were incredibly tough.   I tried I don't know how many times to sit and read a book, but I could not do it.   The minute I sat down my mind went into planning mode.   Last week I was just a grouch.   I was mad that I couldn't just go outside and play with my kids.  I was pouting because I can't even bend over to get a gallon of milk out of the refrigerator.  I was upset because anytime I drop something on the floor I have to ask for help.   I was ticked off because I'm tired of being exhausted.   I was just a big bundle of fun wrapped all into one.  

Saturday life just kind of stopped me in my tracks and gave me an attitude check.   I decided I could make the most of this time off or I could be miserable.  I don't know about you but I was miserable enough before hand, I didn't need to make things worse.  I challenged myself to grab and book and go sit on the deck and it worked.  

I'm learning to stop and breathe.   To take naps in the middle of the day.  To watch TV.   Do you know how long it has been since I watched TV?!   I've learned that I just have to accept the fact I cannot make my bed (literally against doctor orders).   Today I did something I don't think I've done in years...I sat and played games with Isaac for over an hour.   We laughed and it felt good.   This whole ordeal has been eye opening to me that I have not been a good example for my son.   He saw a mom that was always going 110 mph.   He saw a mom that would push herself to the breaking point and then rest and get back up again and repeat.   I don't want that for my son.  I want  him to remember the Uno days where neither of us knew how to shuffle and had to "shuffle" the cards on the floor.  I want him to remember our silly singing contests.  I want him to see his mom do something she hasn't done in a long time....laugh and relax.

If any of this mess of a wanna be blog sounds like you, do yourself a favor and get ahold of it before it gets ahold of you.   I sat in my Endocrinologist's office in March listening to him talk to me about my extremely high cortisol levels and how I needed to slow down.   I didn't follow his advice and while my cyst may not have been preventable, I still think that God has a way of working in ways we don't expect to get us to listen and obey.