A year ago this time I was a very unhappy person. I went through a time in my life where I started to doubt my faith and doubt this God I grew up knowing and loving. I questioned how a loving God could allow bad things happen to innocent children and quite honestly I became very jaded by life in the foster care system. I'm not faulting those who work in this field, I'm saying that growing up in a quiet, loving home and being exposed to the trauma and horror stories these little ones faced left me distraught and in disbelief that this God I used to think I knew would allow to happen. I quickly found it easy to skip church and small group and my attitude was nothing short of grouchy and mean. I quickly became a broken person that was breaking relationships all around me and I didn't care. And then something happened.
On December 26th I was faced with the reality that I had something very seriously wrong with me medically. A few weeks later I had an outpatient surgery scheduled and on January 17th I went in for that surgery with the reality that I could quite possibly have breast cancer. The results were benign and life went on but something was still not right. Shortly after I scheduled my surgery for an ankle repair I had been putting off. The only reason I was doing it was because I met my deductible. know how to describe how I felt that day going into surgery other than very unsettled and for no particular reason....little did I know that my life was about to change in a week for the bad. Something with that surgery triggered the mass that was growing quietly inside of me to become angry and I ended up in the ER on Good Friday with a diagnosis that I had an abnormal looking cyst on my ovary. Dave ran the report up to my doctor's office and within an hour I had a phone call and heard the words "Amy, I am almost positive you have ovarian cancer". If you have ever heard those words before than you know exactly what I was feeling as my life quickly turned upside down and my future was completely out of my hands and now in this God's hands that I was still angry with. You see in the midst of all of these hurdles I was facing, God was handing us more that one day I will share more about. Literally every day was a day where I was numb and walking through this storm, this wilderness that my family had been taken into. Within a few days of hearing that I may have ovarian cancer the news continued to be grim as my cancer counts were elevated and my other test results were deeply concerning. I was quickly referred to the Siteman Cancer Center in St. Louis and met with an oncologist who scheduled a minor surgery to remove this mass. At this point in our lives Dave and I were hopeful that we could still have one more child. We discussed this with the doctor and tried to keep optimistic that this was not cancer and that the Lord would bless us with one more Edwards. On May 9th we headed to St. Louis. I remember sobbing as I left Isaac because inside, I knew that something was terribly wrong. That night I couldn't sleep and I got up and wrote a letter to Isaac in the event that I died during surgery which is very unlike me. I saved that letter in my bag hoping my family would find it if they needed to and on May 10th I walked into Barnes Hospital terrifed and what our family might be faced with. Would it be cancer? Was I going to die in surgery? All I knew was that something was not right and that this was going to be more than a 2 hour outpatient surgery. I said goodbye to my family and was rolled into the cold OR. I listened to a team of doctors staff my case and I remember them putting the mask on me and all went dark. The next thing I remember was laying in a room hooked up to machines and listening to two ladies talking about my hysterectomy and I remember laying there in my strongly medicated state thinking "I'm never going to be able to have another baby". I laid there for quite some time and remember doctors in and out checking on me and telling me how bad I looked and how big this mass was and then I remember Dave coming to the side of my bed in tears, weeping and telling me how sorry he was. I was numb and in shock. Life went on and soon I was home. On May 17th I heard the words that there was no cancer and life went into a whole new perspective. Healing began physically but little did I realize, God was healing me spiritually. You see over those 6 weeks of waiting and praying to hear the word "benign" I let go and clung to God and that is something I've never done before. I'm the co-pilot that needs to be reminded to sit back and let the lead pilot do His job.
Why do I share all of this? Because God is going to give you more than you can handle in life. God wants you and He is going to find a way to get you. And if that means pulling us into the wilderness and taking everything away from us that brings comfort, than God is going to do that if it means that we are going to be drawn closer to Him. Friends, we have been in the wilderness this year but I have to tell you that God is faithful. God is FAITHFUL!
Had I not had the breast cancer scare, I never would have met my deductible.
Because I met my deductible, I scheduled my foot surgery.
My foot surgery aggravated my angry mass and led to a big cancer scare.
A cancer scare led me to my knees, arms open wide and clinging to this God I had been so angry with.
God was faithful through all of this and God is still faithful even when things don't make sense. I don't know why I will never be able to have a baby of my own again. I don't know why Isaac had to have a big seizure. I don't know why foster parenting has had to be extra tough for us.
Today has been a hard day. It's been a day that didn't go how it should have and quite honestly has left my poor family with more questions than answers. I was angry today. So angry I set off my apple watch heart rate alarm. But this time, I stopped and remembered the words I wrote in my prayer journal...."Thy will be done". Do you know how hard that is to write? Because essentially you are saying to God, I surrender Lord. I am yours and this mess is yours. So tonight through all of my ramblings I hope you will see how Jesus has carried my family through this storm this last year in the very palm of His hand. And if you ever doubt my God, I would love to talk to you more about Him.
