God is faithful.

If you know anything about us or what 2017 has been like, I think it is safe to say that no one envies our life these days.   And many of you have probably heard the saying that "God will never give you more than you can handle."   Did you know that's not true?   It really isn't.   I'm thankful that I grew up in a home where I was taught that this is indeed not true but I never fully understood the full extent of what this meant until this last year when God took our family into the wilderness and took everything that was comfortable for us causing us to fully rely on Him, clinging, weeping and exhausted.  

A year ago this time I was a very unhappy person.   I went through a time in my life where I started to doubt my faith and doubt this God I grew up knowing and loving.   I questioned how a loving God could allow bad things happen to innocent children and quite honestly I became very jaded by life in the foster care system.  I'm not faulting those who work in this field, I'm saying that growing up in a quiet, loving home and being exposed to the trauma and horror stories these little ones faced left me distraught and in disbelief that this God I used to think I knew would allow to happen.  I quickly found it easy to skip church and small group and my attitude was nothing short of grouchy and mean.   I quickly became a broken person that was breaking relationships all around me and I didn't care.   And then something happened. 

On December 26th I was faced with the reality that I had something very seriously wrong with me medically.   A few weeks later I had an outpatient surgery scheduled and on January 17th I went in for that surgery with the reality that I could quite possibly have breast cancer.   The results were benign and life went on but something was still not right.    Shortly after I scheduled my surgery for an ankle repair I had been putting off.   The only reason I was doing it was because I met my deductible.  know how to describe how I felt that day going into surgery other than very unsettled and for no particular reason....little did I know that my life was about to change in a week for the bad.   Something with that surgery triggered the mass that was growing quietly inside of me to become angry and I ended up in the ER on Good Friday with a diagnosis that I had an abnormal looking cyst on my ovary.   Dave ran the report up to my doctor's office and within an hour I had a phone call and heard the words "Amy, I am almost positive you have ovarian cancer".   If you have ever heard those words before than you know exactly what I was feeling as my life quickly turned upside down and my future was completely out of my hands and now in this God's hands that I was still angry with.   You see in the midst of all of these hurdles I was facing, God was handing us more that one day I will share more about.   Literally every day was a day where I was numb and walking through this storm, this wilderness that my family had been taken into.   Within a few days of hearing that I may have ovarian cancer the news continued to be grim as my cancer counts were elevated and my other test results were deeply concerning.   I was quickly referred to the Siteman Cancer Center in St. Louis and met with an oncologist who scheduled a minor surgery to remove this mass.   At this point in our lives Dave and I were hopeful that we could still have one more child.  We discussed this with the doctor and tried to keep optimistic that this was not cancer and that the Lord would bless us with one more Edwards.   On May 9th we headed to St. Louis. I remember sobbing as I left Isaac because inside, I knew that something was terribly wrong.   That night I couldn't sleep and I got up and wrote a letter to Isaac in the event that I died during surgery which is very unlike me.   I saved that letter in my bag hoping my family would find it if they needed to and on May 10th I walked into Barnes Hospital terrifed and what our family might be faced with.  Would it be cancer?  Was I going to die in surgery?   All I knew was that something was not right and that this was going to be more than a 2 hour outpatient surgery.   I said goodbye to my family and was rolled into the cold OR.  I listened to a team of doctors staff my case and I remember them putting the mask on me and all went dark.   The next thing I remember was laying in a room hooked up to machines and listening to two ladies talking about my hysterectomy and I remember laying there in my strongly medicated state thinking "I'm never going to be able to have another baby".   I laid there for quite some time and remember doctors in and out checking on me and telling me how bad I looked and how big this mass was and then I remember Dave coming to the side of my bed in tears, weeping and telling me how sorry he was.   I was numb and in shock.   Life went on and soon I was home.  On May 17th I heard the words that there was no cancer and life went into a whole new perspective.   Healing began physically but little did I realize, God was healing me spiritually.  You see over those 6 weeks of waiting and praying to hear the word "benign" I let go and clung to God and that is something I've never done before.   I'm the co-pilot that needs to be reminded to sit back and let the lead pilot do His job.  

Why do I share all of this?  Because God is going to give you more than you can handle in life.  God wants you and He is going to find a way to get you.   And if that means pulling us into the wilderness and taking everything away from us that brings comfort, than God is going to do that if it means that we are going to be drawn closer to Him.   Friends, we have been in the wilderness this year but I have to tell you that God is faithful.  God is FAITHFUL!  

Had I not had the breast cancer scare, I never would have met my deductible.

Because I met my deductible, I scheduled my foot surgery.  

My foot surgery aggravated my angry mass and led to a big cancer scare.

A cancer scare led me to my knees, arms open wide and clinging to this God I had been so angry with.  

 God was faithful through all of this and God is still faithful even when things don't make sense.  I don't know why I will never be able to have a baby of my own again.   I don't know why Isaac had to have a big seizure.  I don't know why foster parenting has had to be extra tough for us. 

  Today has been a hard day.  It's been a day that didn't go how it should have and quite honestly has left my poor family with more questions than answers.   I was angry today.   So angry I set off my apple watch heart rate alarm.   But this time, I stopped and remembered the words I wrote in my prayer journal...."Thy will be done".  Do you know how hard that is to write?   Because essentially you are saying to God, I surrender Lord.  I am yours and this mess is yours.   So tonight through all of my ramblings I hope you will see how Jesus has carried my family through this storm this last year in the very palm of His hand.   And if you ever doubt my God, I would love to talk to you more about Him.  

RX to relax

It's no secret that 2017 has not been a year that my peers would be envious of.   In January I had surgery for a minor problem.   Thanks to meeting my deductible by January 19th I decided that in April I was going to have an ankle surgery I had put off for 6 years.   Most of you know that story...my ankle surgery recovery did something to upset a cyst that I didn't know about and I ended up spending my Good Friday in the hospital having tests done.   Being brutally honest...when I was sent to the ER they either thought I was severely constipated from the foot surgery or that I had appendicitis.   I've never prayed so hard for a constipation diagnosis.  When the ER doctor told me I had a cyst, I was just angry.   I was already in a bad mood because my little ankle surgery was a little more complex and my recovery wasn't what I had envisioned.   As the weeks went on and we met to schedule my surgery for removing the cyst, I continued to operate in "Amy mode".  

Definition of Amy Mode:  Amy mentally formulates a plan.  Amy executes the plan.  Amy gets really stressed out when said plan does not go her way.  

With the surgery date set, I started planning.  I arranged childcare for the boys.   Made reservations at the hotel.   Got all of my work taken care of for the 2 weeks I was going to be off and while I was not looking forward to the surgery, I had successfully arranged every little detail of my life to make it tolerable.   In Amy's world, I was having my cyst removed on May 10th at 8:30am.  My 2 hour surgery would be followed by the promised 1 hour recovery and I was going to be home in time for Dave to run and pick Isaac up from school.  Again, it was tolerable.  

The morning of surgery day I was scared because I knew in my heart something was not right...that will be a whole other blog post.   Things were going very smoothly and I was my surgeon's only operation for the day.   That being said, I was elated when I was taken back to the OR at 8:15am because we were running ahead of schedule!   When I woke up in recovery and the events began to unfold, I remember Dave coming to talk to me about all that happened.   As I was laying there listening to him explain everything I asked him what time it was (because in my world, it was 10:30am).   When Dave told me 2:30pm and that surprise! you are being admitted I was honestly in shock.   I had no emotion at that point.

The next couple of days were a recipe of adrenaline & pain medicine.   At one point on Thursday afternoon, I sat in my hospital bed and sobbed to which terrified the nurse who came in to check on me.  I was overwhelmed.   I missed my kids.  I was in mourning over never being able to carry a child within me again and I was scared.  I was scared about being off of work for 6 weeks.  I was scared of not being able to function at my level of independence.   I was scared at the amount of help we were going to need in order to survive.   I was scared of losing my independence.  I was scared because life was not going to be 'normal'.   I was scared about not having a paycheck.  I knew that we would be fine but there is just that unsettled feeling and other than for a maternity leave, I've never taken that much time off from a job before.   I felt waves of guilt over not being able to maintain my caseload and having to rely on my coworkers to step in for me.  

Confession:  I checked my work email the morning after my surgery.   Shhhh.  I have a problem!   But when you have a great job, it's a good problem.  ;)  

The last 3 weeks have been weird.   Humbling myself, the first two weeks of my leave were incredibly tough.   I tried I don't know how many times to sit and read a book, but I could not do it.   The minute I sat down my mind went into planning mode.   Last week I was just a grouch.   I was mad that I couldn't just go outside and play with my kids.  I was pouting because I can't even bend over to get a gallon of milk out of the refrigerator.  I was upset because anytime I drop something on the floor I have to ask for help.   I was ticked off because I'm tired of being exhausted.   I was just a big bundle of fun wrapped all into one.  

Saturday life just kind of stopped me in my tracks and gave me an attitude check.   I decided I could make the most of this time off or I could be miserable.  I don't know about you but I was miserable enough before hand, I didn't need to make things worse.  I challenged myself to grab and book and go sit on the deck and it worked.  

I'm learning to stop and breathe.   To take naps in the middle of the day.  To watch TV.   Do you know how long it has been since I watched TV?!   I've learned that I just have to accept the fact I cannot make my bed (literally against doctor orders).   Today I did something I don't think I've done in years...I sat and played games with Isaac for over an hour.   We laughed and it felt good.   This whole ordeal has been eye opening to me that I have not been a good example for my son.   He saw a mom that was always going 110 mph.   He saw a mom that would push herself to the breaking point and then rest and get back up again and repeat.   I don't want that for my son.  I want  him to remember the Uno days where neither of us knew how to shuffle and had to "shuffle" the cards on the floor.  I want him to remember our silly singing contests.  I want him to see his mom do something she hasn't done in a long time....laugh and relax.

If any of this mess of a wanna be blog sounds like you, do yourself a favor and get ahold of it before it gets ahold of you.   I sat in my Endocrinologist's office in March listening to him talk to me about my extremely high cortisol levels and how I needed to slow down.   I didn't follow his advice and while my cyst may not have been preventable, I still think that God has a way of working in ways we don't expect to get us to listen and obey.  

Dear 2016,

It's been awhile since I've published a blog.   I have 3 drafts just sitting in my inbox but pushing the publish button on them never happened.   So here we are.

Dear 2016,
You were everything you promised and more.  You were hard.   You were ugly and you were full of surprises and not necessarily the good surprises.   But in the midst of the ugly, the tears, the heart break and the fears, you were doing something to me...to my family rather.   You broke our mold, you popped our bubble of comfort, and you stretched us.   You showed us that underneath the layers, there was potential.  Quite honestly, you gave us a year of growing pains...some that came with joy, but many that came with grumbling.  

You taught me that its okay to have a messy house, a sink full of dishes, and dust bunnies because only once in my life will I get to be the mom of a young child and because of that, legos trump dishes, basketball triumphs a clean house, and trips to sonic are going to be remembered more so than a house that looks pretty.  

You reminded me that I'm too quick to confide in others and that when my heart is heavy, I need to fall on my knees.   You showed me that in a season of loneliness, you are more than adequate.    You gave me hope on days when seeing the silver lining felt impossible.   You knit together a group of ladies that I can always count on to lift me up in prayer, even on the days when I'm at my ugliest.  
You gave me friends in places I'd never expect and you took away friends, I never imagined life without.  

You showed me/us, that we are not alone on this fostering journey, no matter how much it feels like it.   And on the days when I have been angry for allowing myself to be a part of this journey, you reminded me of how selfish I am and how much love I had to offer.   You showed us that life isn't about us, it isn't about being comfortable...rather it's about what I have to give.   You've taught me to let go and let God.    You've taught me rest and to stop and breathe because tomorrow is a new day, a new journey, and we never know what that will entail.    You've shown me that in the midst of tears, it is possible to find laughter.  

2016...I can't say I liked you or that I care to remember you but I can say you began to remold me into something better and my prayer is that over the course of 2017 I can see a teeny glimpse of your big picture for me. 

"For I am about to do something new."  Isaiah 43:19