Time Out

I read an article recently by Debbie Phelps, mother to Michael Phelps.   My feelings towards Michael Phelps have always been indifferent, I honestly didn't know much about him other than he was an olympic swimmer who went a little wild.   Previously before reading his mom's article I read about how Michael Phelps had hit rock bottom a few years ago and was turning his life around, giving his life to Christ.   I didn't know that Michael had ADHD.   His mom's article left me nodding my head in silent agreement and tearing up at what felt like an article written about my own son and our battles.  
You can read that article here http://www.everydayhealth.com/adhd/living-with-adhd/mylife/debbie_phelps/landing.aspx

You've heard me gripe, cry, whine many times before about ADHD.  It's hard and it's real.  It isn't a discipline issue, it's a problem my son struggles with day in and day out that has left him with little to no friends and constantly warming the seat in the principal's office.   I've always been my son's biggest advocate and I always will be even if that makes me the nagging mom constantly seeking what's best for him.   I will never stop sharing with the world how real and how hard ADHD is until the world realizes that ADHD is real and not just a misdiagnosed behavior problem.    

Did you know that children/teens who struggle with ADHD also struggle with low self esteems and depression, often secluding themselves because being a friend and finding a friend is one of the biggest challenges in front of them?   It's true and it's real and I am watching it daily in my son.   Over the last two years I've watched my son go from happy go lucky to I just want to be home with my family.   We've pushed him to play sports and were blessed by an amazing baseball team this year but overall we still continue to watch our son grow to love playing in the comforts of his home versus going out and making a friend.   He lacks the self-esteem and the confidence he needs to try new things.  

Over the last 9 days I've watched my son interact more with a  tablet and the TV than with humans.  I realized I've created this problem and now I have to fix it.   I've gone around and around with this decision but today realized that I have to fight for my son.   I refuse to let him fail and long to see him succeed.   So that being said, this family is taking a technology time out and this terrifies us.  For 30 days Dave and I will be giving up Facebook and our son will be pulling the plug on the TV and his tablet.   I'm not sure how this is going to impact us but my prayer is that it draws us closer together and most importantly closer to God.

Won't you pray for our family over these next 30 days that we can grow?  

You're missing out.

June 13th, 2014 marks a day for our family that changed us forever.   Our first little friend came into our home and I can honestly say, it hasn't been the same since.  While there are many days when I would pay money to have my calm, quiet life back, there are moments like tonight where I can't imagine not being a foster parent.

It's been a long week.   Nothing bad.  Just life.  Friday at 4:15 came and this exhausted mom went and picked two tired kiddos up from daycare and headed home.   Dave came in shortly after and we began discussing our plans tonight and I would be lying if I didn't admit that I had myself 95% convinced to stay home and relax with my family.   I'm glad I listened to the 5% that said go.

Tonight we attended a foster parent appreciation party.   Sitting down and feeding my little friend his supper, I became greatly overcome with emotion.  So much, I had to pull my sunglasses down to cover my eyes and the tears that were welling up.   To look around and see all of these beautiful children, knowing that they have endured more in the first few years of their life than I will have to face in my entire lifetime I was hit hard with a tremendous amount of emotion.  

These kids are heroes.  They are warriors.  They are fighters.  They are inspiring.   

And for me to complain about how my life has changed and become uncomfortable at times, well, that is just plain pathetic and petty of me.   Because unlike these littles, I have a strong family and a strong support system.   

What I'm about to say is harsh, but I say it with a broken heart for our broken world.   What is it in your life that keeps you from becoming a foster parent, or a respite provider?   And if you say to me "I'd get too attached", I might smack you.   Being a foster parent isn't signing your life away, it isn't forever.   It can be for a season.   You are needed and you have no idea how much.  

Jason Johnson has some inspiring words that hit close to home........

"Stop praying about it and do it."  

What's your excuse?

Let go.

My mind is mush.   It's going in 20 directions at once.   The fact that I just formulated two partial sentences has to be a miracle.  I'm tired.  My heart hurts.  My head hurts.   I literally got home and told my husband I needed a few minutes to clear my head and just took off walking...work shoes, work clothes and all.   I have no idea how far I walked, but I know it was a good walk.  

17 months ago our lives turned upside down.   We welcomed a sweet baby boy into our lives.   I haven't slept in 17 months.  I've put on 30 pounds.   I'm exhausted.   Work is a vacation most days compared to reality.  

We had court today.   I hate court.   There is something about court that puts me into anxiety mode.   Nothing about our hearing today was smooth.   There appears to be no end in sight to this circus we have joined and being brutally honest, I broke today.   After 90 minutes of intense testimonies the judge asked if anyone had anything to say...I hesitated.   Those next to me noticed.   In a teeny tiny voice I said "I do" and was thankful he didn't hear me, but then those next to me brought it to his attention and there at 6pm I found myself borderline meltdown telling the judge I just don't know if I can do this.   I'm exhausted.   I'm tired of the countless appointments and my side job as a chauffeur to those appointments.  I missed my dad's surgery today.   I missed sitting in the waiting room with my mom.   I missed my son's martial arts promotion to see him get his new yellow belt.   Instead, I sat in a court room growing an ulcer and working on a coronary.   

Fostering is hard.   There is no sugar coating.  There is no win win.   With this case I had big dreams.  I dreamed that we could truly be just the foster parents.  I wanted to build a relationship with the family and see this little one be reunified.  I wanted this.  I needed this.   I'm not feeling this.   Instead I worry.   I think about all of the what if's.   

Immediately after the hearing ended and the judge released us, I did something I haven't done in over 17 months.   I broke down.  I lost it.   I sobbed.  Not the quiet sob but the loud, uncontrollable sob that no matter how hard you try to stop, it just gets worse.   I was able to say things to those that needed to hear it and that were long overdue comments.   I literally just let go and wept in my husband's arms as he wept with me.   We're tired.   We're hurting.   We're frustrated.   We're experiencing everything we feel like we shouldn't be experiencing.  

I miss my life.  I miss the calm.   I miss my friends.   I feel lonely.   I feel tired.   I need to set up a go fund me account just for some beach therapy with my family.   I ask myself the tough questions...how can we quit this far in?   I don't know.   I don't know how I can give up on a child that has only known me as his caregiver and comfort for the last 17 months.  I don't know how I could say goodbye knowing it was on my terms and not a judge's terms.  I feel selfish for even thinking it but wonder how much more we can endure.    

I just don't know.   I appreciate all of the texts, phone calls, and messages tonight.   I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back with you.   Pray for us friends.  Pray for those involved on this case.  I believe they are all as weary as we are.  

Turning bitterness into joy.

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Being transparent.  This last year as been one of the loneliest  years of my life.   Hear me out.  I have a wonderful family.  I have amazing friends.  I have a job I am thankful for.  I have so much to be blessed with but I have been lonely.   A kind of lonely I can't explain other than my life has been so chaotic and full of ups and downs that I've lost touch with others and in addition to that, I've lost touch with myself.  

I've been in teenager mode.   The kind of mode where you just can't quite find your spot where you feel like you fit in.  I come with a lot of 'baggage'.  And by baggage I mean I have to be creative in juggling life and it's crazy, hectic schedule.  And by the time I get done juggling that schedule I'm tired.  And with tired comes isolation. And because of that, I started withdrawing myself and replacing joy with bitterness.   Happiness with sadness.   And it feels crummy.   

Yesterday I woke up with this crazy idea to go to St. Louis.  I had a need.  Yes, it really was a need.  I needed new work clothes.  As fun as that sounds, it's something I've put off for several months because I've not been happy with my size.  But alas I decided to embrace it and road trip with my little friend as Isaac had baseball practice so he and Dave couldn't go.   When I started out on this venture I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I felt like I should have had someone in the passenger seat chatting away about life with me.  I tried calling friends to chat with on the way down to St. Louis and like many people with lives, everyone's phone went into voicemail.   

So there I was, driving in silence and feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness.  But then as clear as it could be a light bulb went on and I realized that in the busyness and chaos of the last 2 years of my life, I had moved God from first place to God when I have time for you or the God when I need something.   And suddenly, it all became clearer..."to every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the Heaven."  I spent the remainder of my drive in prayer while my little friend napped.  Prayer for friends with big mountains ahead of them.  Prayers for my mountains.   I felt something I haven't truly felt in a long time.  I felt a teeny tiny sliver of Joy.   

Lysa TerKeurst posted this yesterday and it couldn't have been anymore directed to me:

Isn't it the most lovely thought that God might be waiting for there to be some silence in our lives in order to share some of His best secrets with us?

The enemy wants us to believe that times of silence are a curse of loneliness.

God wants us to know that times of silence are really pathways to closeness with Him.

So here I am friends asking you to pray for me.  Pray for me as I walk through this time in my life that feels like disorganized chaos.   Pray for me as I pray to turn my bitterness into joy and my sorrow into laughter.   Pray for me on the days when I'm feeling grouchy and the days I feel weak.  Pray for me as I walk through the times of loneliness that I will use these times to grow with God and to find myself again.   Pray for me to find joy in this journey that we called life.   

blessings & bruises

This quote says it all.  I couldn't say it better.   

I've started this post I don't know how many times on this blog over the last few months and have ended up deleting them.   These last few months have been filled with laughter, tears, headaches and heartaches, blessings and bruises, exhaustion, frustration.   We've celebrated milestones and we've shed tears.   There is nothing easy about life and we know that.   If God made life simple, we wouldn't need to rely on Him like we do.   But I can't help but have days where I feel like we suffer more bruises than blessings and that the grass always seems greener on the other side.   

Being totally 110% raw, my heart is heavy and my body is exhausted.   I've never wanted to be a quitter so much in life than I do now and I'm pretty sure many would tell us we aren't crazy for doing so.  I've been fighting giants this year left and right.   I've watched my son struggle with his own giants and this fostering adventure has almost turned into a fostering nightmare.   

A very sweet person the other day told me..."you go places I only dream of" when referencing our fostering experience.   I wept at those words.   So often this call to be foster parents comes with tears and pain.    We've been told over and over "I don't know how you do this" or "this is going to be so hard on you" and all too often the negative sinks in, the doubt creeps up and your world seems like its falling apart.   You've seen 'friends' disappear because you suddenly took in that other person's child and they don't have time for you nor understand why you would do such a thing.  But this person, this person put things in a new perspective for me.   I should be so blessed that God called Dave and I to foster.   I've had the opportunity to love on 7 kids that left an imprint on my heart I will never regret.   I've been blessed with the chance to love on a sweet friend for almost 16 months now and help them through the hardest and most darkest times in their little life.   I know more about you than anyone else on this planet.  

I know that you don't like your arms covered up at night, I know that you despise hot dogs and strawberries and will throw them on the floor the minute they hit your tray.  I know that you belly laugh when you are tickled.   I know that you sit on the drain of the bathtub to prevent us from letting the water out at the end of your bath.   I know that you get your feelings hurt very easily.   I know that you have a sweet tooth and will quietly say "mmmm" when you taste something you like.  I know that you are a fighter and that is what has brought you this far in life.   I know that God has big plans for you and while our time together won't be forever I at least get to be a small part of your story.   

I also know that I'm at a point where I/we need your prayers.   As hard as it is, my heart is preparing me for the final goodbye and what great pain that brings to think about never seeing my little friend again.  The friend who has robbed me of hours of sleep.   The friend that climbs on the kitchen table 20 times a day and won't take no for an answer.   The friend that has broken more of my necklaces than I can even count.   The friend that showed me how to be selfless instead of selfish.   

I end this very sloppy post just asking you to pray for Dave and I tonight.  Pray for guidance, wisdom, peace, you name it.   My story is cryptic and my post is vague but the amazing thing about this story is that God knows the details and we covet your prayers.