Broken and beautiful.

Dear friend,
A year ago today I met you.   Terrified as I saw your sweet little body laying in a hospital bed, wondering how in the world I was going to be capable enough to care for you, yet reminded of the conversation I had with God just 3 weeks before.

It was a rainy day, I had dropped Isaac off at school and was heading to a job that I honestly dreaded.   It had been 3 long months since our precious little friend "meatloaf" had left our home.   Through sobs I cried out to God begging him to bless us with another friend.   A week later  I got a text from a  friend asking me to pray for a sweet baby in desperate need of prayers.   10 days later I met you.

You were broken, yet beautiful.   

The drive home was nothing short of eventful as we drove around St. Louis for 3 hours trying to find a pharmacy that had your special medication.  You were quiet and content.   You looked at us with a look I will never forget, almost like you knew how terrified I was to be called to care for you.   That day, a year ago, our adventure began.   It hasn't been easy, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say there were days when I wasn't sure if I was the right person to care for you or I was reminded by others that I wasn't qualified to care for you... and there were many conversations between Dave and I where we asked ourselves, "can we keep doing this?".    There were months where you were expressionless and the hours of time and tears I invested in you, were not reciprocated, yet there was always this hope and determination to keep pushing through.   A reminder, that God brought you to us for a reason.

Those weeks, turned into months and anthills turned into mountains where your sweet life seemed hopeless.  There were countless hours in doctor's offices where we were hit with bad news after more bad news and here we are sweet friend, a year later, and you are simply a miracle.

You've taught me more than you will probably ever know.  You've taught me to be a fighter and to be tough.   You've taught me to be selfless.   You've taught me that sleep is not a necessity, rather an amenity.   Your smile melts my heart and your uh-oh's never get old.  

You are going to break my heart some day but you, my sweet friend,  you are so worth it.    I wouldn't trade this last year for anything and am blessed that God called me to love on you.

Happy Friend-aversary friend!

Being the foundation.

While we are not all called to do the same thing, we are all certainly capable of doing something. Perhaps it could be said this way: You're either called to bring children into your home or you're called to serve and support those who do. So here's a visual to help us see some simple, unique and diverse ways that a community of people can wrap around and practically serve foster and adoptive families - and in so doing participate in their calling and responsibility to care for kids by serving and supporting the families who have brought them into their homes.  - Jason Johnson

Over the last few weeks so many have reached out and shared their hearts with me.   I completely understand that fostering is not for everyone.  I do.   Being brutally honest, Dave and I speculate that we are nearing the end of our fostering journey and praying for how God can use us still in the sense of supporting the foster system.   That is still a big BUT, but lots of prayers and come to Jesus talks have been said in this home, the car, our offices, you name it, in the last few months.   

So to answer the question of "How can I help?".   I did a survey on a foster parent Facebook support group I'm in and these were some of the ideas that were listed:

* Meals!   Yes, meals!   When you get a new placement, it's like getting a new baby.  You are exhausted yet running a million miles an hour.  You are trying to bond, you are terrified and your family just grew overnight.  Most people get 36-38 weeks to prepare for a new addition, with fostering you are sometimes lucky to get more than 36 minutes.   (A teeny tiny bit of an exaggeration there, but not too far off)
* Babysitting/Respite.    We need breaks.  So often our own bio children and our own selves get lost in the midst of appointments, visits, court hearings, etc that we crash and crash hard.   A night out does wonders for the soul.
* Groceries/Food.   Contrary to the belief that foster parents make big bank, we don't.   My 12 year old mini van is proof of that.   Often times foster parents don't see a check for 2-3 months after getting a placement.   When your family grows, your food budget grows, your utility bills grow, etc.   
*Diapers/Wipes/Baby Items.   These are a huge blessing and as you know a large expense for anyone.    I've been so blessed with friends who loan us baby gear or give us baby gear and most of the time on spur of the moment notice.
*Gift cards.   Need I say more?   Actually, when I spoke with someone at the Children's Division, I asked what was most needed and gift cards were the response.   A lot of times you get a placement so quickly that your first trip is to Walmart and it might just be in the middle of the night for anything and everything you can think of.   These littles don't come with a suitcase packed full of nice, clean clothes, carseats, bottles etc.  Side note….one of our placements smelled so badly that we were forewarned before transporting them home.   I had to run to Walmart to stock up on children's soap, etc before going to pick them up.  Poor Isaac.  I remember my smell sensitive child putting the fakest smile on his face that night as we drove our little friend to our home with the windows down enjoying the October "breeze".   
*Prayers/Words of Encouragement…reminders that we aren't crazy.  That we are corrupting our own children.  Reminders that we can do this even in the toughest of days.    Don't tell us how crazy we are, tell us that we can do this.  Tell us that it is going to be okay.    

I found a blog that I'm really enjoying and he posted this the other day….

This is so true and so appreciated.   Please know that this blog post from me isn't a ploy to get free stuff for us.  To be honest, I don't write this for us as we have been so blessed, I write this to educate others.  I wish I had known about the foster system years before I did.  I wish I could have helped before we became foster parents.   I look forward to the day when I am able to go clean a house for a tired foster mama or give the family a weekend off to just relax.   

That, my friends, is how you can help.   

It's okay to not be okay.

4:25am and Dave is coughing in his sleep one minute and talking in his sleep the next.   My first instinct is to be annoyed…not that he can help it by any means but I had a good 90 minutes of sleep left in me and for the first time in a few days our littlest friend slept through the night.   I toss and turn and finally pick up my all too convenient smartphone and start the Facebook scroll down.

 I find my heart aching as I read a post from a fellow foster mama whose heart is missing a past friend and knowing all too well what that ache in the middle of the night feels like.   I scroll down some more and read a new foster mama's blog as they are just beginning their journey and the feelings that come along with the countless visits and appointments  that also come with your friend along with the uncertainty of that sweet one's future and once again, my heart aches because I felt like that paragraph was written by me right now in this stage of life.    I read a message from another foster mama who struggles to understand why such behaviors are tolerated on the bio parents behalf and while I wished it surprised me, but it didn't.   And so at this point, I just decided sleep was in evident and maybe this was my cue to get up and dive into this amazing Bible study I have failed so deeply at getting into.   As I walked down the chilly hallway I felt this tug on my heart to type this blog…this blog I've honestly put off for almost two weeks ago for some unknown fear and I decided,  God obviously drove me out of my deep and a restful sleep for a reason, and this must be it.  So friends, here you have it…

It's okay to not be okay.

So many people assume that foster parents come with super powers or quite possibly a lack of emotions where we are easily able to turn our heart strings off when we take in, love on and say goodbye to a dear friend.  I could tell you endless stories on the dreaded "I could never foster parent, I just don't have the strength like you do…." I loathe that statement by the way.  It makes me cringe and I'm quite confident that my face even scrunches up at this stage in fostering when someone says it….at some point my face will probably just remold into that same expression for life.  

What so many don't understand is the pain and the whole realm of emotions that come along with fostering.   My Monday started off great and ended pretty crummy.    Although I was exhausted because my sweet friend slept about a total of 4 hours total in short increments the night before, I was ready to lock myself into my quiet office on this rainy day and be productive.   That productivity soon turned into taking 2 kids and myself to the doctor, getting chest x-rays and walking the hospital at 5:05pm looking for the last X-ray technician on duty, and picking up my own sweet boy from his after school program at 5:35pm (an hour later than normal) all to  head back to work at 6:30pm to make up for the lost time that afternoon and get ready for the start of a new month.  

As I think about yesterday my mind goes all over.   What started out as calm and peaceful turned into chaos.  If I could describe every emotion I felt yesterday it would be these:  joy, calm, anxious, frustration, bitterness, sadness, worry, anger, frustration, frustration, frustration, frustration and frustration.  

I never expected as a foster mom to be treated like a criminal by the bio family and I'll be honest, it stinks for so many reasons.  It stinks because there are days when I feel like my own son is robbed of his mama so I can be a mama to somebody else's child and then treated like dirt for doing so.   It stinks because there are days when you just don't know if this new friend is the right fit to your already chaotic family and while God has provided more than you can ever imagine, this new little friend is so afraid of being loved and accepted that he pushes you away and builds another wall.   It stinks because you lie awake a night wondering the fate of your past friends, current friends and future friends and honestly that weight on your heart makes it hard to breathe.    I'm just going to be brutally honest here…

Fostering stinks.   It does.   Anyone will tell you that.  It stinks because you are forced to be selfless in a world of selfish and you are thrown into circuses where you have zero control and all you can do is pray, cry, vent, and repeat.  

We didn't sign up to foster for the cushy life.  We didn't sign up to foster to be comfortable.  We signed up to foster because there is a need and a big one friends.   We don't have superhero powers, we don't have a lack of emotions in us, we aren't any different from you and quite frankly there are days when I have to remind myself that

It's okay to not be okay.  

It's okay to break down and ask for prayers.  It's okay to be completely transparent and show the world that you are tired, frustrated, hurting and scared.   It's okay to be angry (to a degree) if that anger can be channeled into something moldable, something that can make a difference.   It's okay to ask your peers and family to pray with you on this often times shaky journey.   It's okay to just say "I'm tired of this".   It's okay to miss your old life.  The life where while it had its tough days, you weren't forced to know the struggles that these kids face each and every day of their life.   The fear of being loved.  

It's okay to not be okay.

It's not okay to continue to not be okay though.

And that is where I'm at this morning pleading for your prayers in our time of weakness and exhaustion.  Not just prayers for our family, but prayers for the other foster families and the brokeness of our system.    We feel them.  We do.  

Welcome to our circus friends.