God is faithful.

If you know anything about us or what 2017 has been like, I think it is safe to say that no one envies our life these days.   And many of you have probably heard the saying that "God will never give you more than you can handle."   Did you know that's not true?   It really isn't.   I'm thankful that I grew up in a home where I was taught that this is indeed not true but I never fully understood the full extent of what this meant until this last year when God took our family into the wilderness and took everything that was comfortable for us causing us to fully rely on Him, clinging, weeping and exhausted.  

A year ago this time I was a very unhappy person.   I went through a time in my life where I started to doubt my faith and doubt this God I grew up knowing and loving.   I questioned how a loving God could allow bad things happen to innocent children and quite honestly I became very jaded by life in the foster care system.  I'm not faulting those who work in this field, I'm saying that growing up in a quiet, loving home and being exposed to the trauma and horror stories these little ones faced left me distraught and in disbelief that this God I used to think I knew would allow to happen.  I quickly found it easy to skip church and small group and my attitude was nothing short of grouchy and mean.   I quickly became a broken person that was breaking relationships all around me and I didn't care.   And then something happened. 

On December 26th I was faced with the reality that I had something very seriously wrong with me medically.   A few weeks later I had an outpatient surgery scheduled and on January 17th I went in for that surgery with the reality that I could quite possibly have breast cancer.   The results were benign and life went on but something was still not right.    Shortly after I scheduled my surgery for an ankle repair I had been putting off.   The only reason I was doing it was because I met my deductible.  know how to describe how I felt that day going into surgery other than very unsettled and for no particular reason....little did I know that my life was about to change in a week for the bad.   Something with that surgery triggered the mass that was growing quietly inside of me to become angry and I ended up in the ER on Good Friday with a diagnosis that I had an abnormal looking cyst on my ovary.   Dave ran the report up to my doctor's office and within an hour I had a phone call and heard the words "Amy, I am almost positive you have ovarian cancer".   If you have ever heard those words before than you know exactly what I was feeling as my life quickly turned upside down and my future was completely out of my hands and now in this God's hands that I was still angry with.   You see in the midst of all of these hurdles I was facing, God was handing us more that one day I will share more about.   Literally every day was a day where I was numb and walking through this storm, this wilderness that my family had been taken into.   Within a few days of hearing that I may have ovarian cancer the news continued to be grim as my cancer counts were elevated and my other test results were deeply concerning.   I was quickly referred to the Siteman Cancer Center in St. Louis and met with an oncologist who scheduled a minor surgery to remove this mass.   At this point in our lives Dave and I were hopeful that we could still have one more child.  We discussed this with the doctor and tried to keep optimistic that this was not cancer and that the Lord would bless us with one more Edwards.   On May 9th we headed to St. Louis. I remember sobbing as I left Isaac because inside, I knew that something was terribly wrong.   That night I couldn't sleep and I got up and wrote a letter to Isaac in the event that I died during surgery which is very unlike me.   I saved that letter in my bag hoping my family would find it if they needed to and on May 10th I walked into Barnes Hospital terrifed and what our family might be faced with.  Would it be cancer?  Was I going to die in surgery?   All I knew was that something was not right and that this was going to be more than a 2 hour outpatient surgery.   I said goodbye to my family and was rolled into the cold OR.  I listened to a team of doctors staff my case and I remember them putting the mask on me and all went dark.   The next thing I remember was laying in a room hooked up to machines and listening to two ladies talking about my hysterectomy and I remember laying there in my strongly medicated state thinking "I'm never going to be able to have another baby".   I laid there for quite some time and remember doctors in and out checking on me and telling me how bad I looked and how big this mass was and then I remember Dave coming to the side of my bed in tears, weeping and telling me how sorry he was.   I was numb and in shock.   Life went on and soon I was home.  On May 17th I heard the words that there was no cancer and life went into a whole new perspective.   Healing began physically but little did I realize, God was healing me spiritually.  You see over those 6 weeks of waiting and praying to hear the word "benign" I let go and clung to God and that is something I've never done before.   I'm the co-pilot that needs to be reminded to sit back and let the lead pilot do His job.  

Why do I share all of this?  Because God is going to give you more than you can handle in life.  God wants you and He is going to find a way to get you.   And if that means pulling us into the wilderness and taking everything away from us that brings comfort, than God is going to do that if it means that we are going to be drawn closer to Him.   Friends, we have been in the wilderness this year but I have to tell you that God is faithful.  God is FAITHFUL!  

Had I not had the breast cancer scare, I never would have met my deductible.

Because I met my deductible, I scheduled my foot surgery.  

My foot surgery aggravated my angry mass and led to a big cancer scare.

A cancer scare led me to my knees, arms open wide and clinging to this God I had been so angry with.  

 God was faithful through all of this and God is still faithful even when things don't make sense.  I don't know why I will never be able to have a baby of my own again.   I don't know why Isaac had to have a big seizure.  I don't know why foster parenting has had to be extra tough for us. 

  Today has been a hard day.  It's been a day that didn't go how it should have and quite honestly has left my poor family with more questions than answers.   I was angry today.   So angry I set off my apple watch heart rate alarm.   But this time, I stopped and remembered the words I wrote in my prayer journal...."Thy will be done".  Do you know how hard that is to write?   Because essentially you are saying to God, I surrender Lord.  I am yours and this mess is yours.   So tonight through all of my ramblings I hope you will see how Jesus has carried my family through this storm this last year in the very palm of His hand.   And if you ever doubt my God, I would love to talk to you more about Him.  

RX to relax

It's no secret that 2017 has not been a year that my peers would be envious of.   In January I had surgery for a minor problem.   Thanks to meeting my deductible by January 19th I decided that in April I was going to have an ankle surgery I had put off for 6 years.   Most of you know that story...my ankle surgery recovery did something to upset a cyst that I didn't know about and I ended up spending my Good Friday in the hospital having tests done.   Being brutally honest...when I was sent to the ER they either thought I was severely constipated from the foot surgery or that I had appendicitis.   I've never prayed so hard for a constipation diagnosis.  When the ER doctor told me I had a cyst, I was just angry.   I was already in a bad mood because my little ankle surgery was a little more complex and my recovery wasn't what I had envisioned.   As the weeks went on and we met to schedule my surgery for removing the cyst, I continued to operate in "Amy mode".  

Definition of Amy Mode:  Amy mentally formulates a plan.  Amy executes the plan.  Amy gets really stressed out when said plan does not go her way.  

With the surgery date set, I started planning.  I arranged childcare for the boys.   Made reservations at the hotel.   Got all of my work taken care of for the 2 weeks I was going to be off and while I was not looking forward to the surgery, I had successfully arranged every little detail of my life to make it tolerable.   In Amy's world, I was having my cyst removed on May 10th at 8:30am.  My 2 hour surgery would be followed by the promised 1 hour recovery and I was going to be home in time for Dave to run and pick Isaac up from school.  Again, it was tolerable.  

The morning of surgery day I was scared because I knew in my heart something was not right...that will be a whole other blog post.   Things were going very smoothly and I was my surgeon's only operation for the day.   That being said, I was elated when I was taken back to the OR at 8:15am because we were running ahead of schedule!   When I woke up in recovery and the events began to unfold, I remember Dave coming to talk to me about all that happened.   As I was laying there listening to him explain everything I asked him what time it was (because in my world, it was 10:30am).   When Dave told me 2:30pm and that surprise! you are being admitted I was honestly in shock.   I had no emotion at that point.

The next couple of days were a recipe of adrenaline & pain medicine.   At one point on Thursday afternoon, I sat in my hospital bed and sobbed to which terrified the nurse who came in to check on me.  I was overwhelmed.   I missed my kids.  I was in mourning over never being able to carry a child within me again and I was scared.  I was scared about being off of work for 6 weeks.  I was scared of not being able to function at my level of independence.   I was scared at the amount of help we were going to need in order to survive.   I was scared of losing my independence.  I was scared because life was not going to be 'normal'.   I was scared about not having a paycheck.  I knew that we would be fine but there is just that unsettled feeling and other than for a maternity leave, I've never taken that much time off from a job before.   I felt waves of guilt over not being able to maintain my caseload and having to rely on my coworkers to step in for me.  

Confession:  I checked my work email the morning after my surgery.   Shhhh.  I have a problem!   But when you have a great job, it's a good problem.  ;)  

The last 3 weeks have been weird.   Humbling myself, the first two weeks of my leave were incredibly tough.   I tried I don't know how many times to sit and read a book, but I could not do it.   The minute I sat down my mind went into planning mode.   Last week I was just a grouch.   I was mad that I couldn't just go outside and play with my kids.  I was pouting because I can't even bend over to get a gallon of milk out of the refrigerator.  I was upset because anytime I drop something on the floor I have to ask for help.   I was ticked off because I'm tired of being exhausted.   I was just a big bundle of fun wrapped all into one.  

Saturday life just kind of stopped me in my tracks and gave me an attitude check.   I decided I could make the most of this time off or I could be miserable.  I don't know about you but I was miserable enough before hand, I didn't need to make things worse.  I challenged myself to grab and book and go sit on the deck and it worked.  

I'm learning to stop and breathe.   To take naps in the middle of the day.  To watch TV.   Do you know how long it has been since I watched TV?!   I've learned that I just have to accept the fact I cannot make my bed (literally against doctor orders).   Today I did something I don't think I've done in years...I sat and played games with Isaac for over an hour.   We laughed and it felt good.   This whole ordeal has been eye opening to me that I have not been a good example for my son.   He saw a mom that was always going 110 mph.   He saw a mom that would push herself to the breaking point and then rest and get back up again and repeat.   I don't want that for my son.  I want  him to remember the Uno days where neither of us knew how to shuffle and had to "shuffle" the cards on the floor.  I want him to remember our silly singing contests.  I want him to see his mom do something she hasn't done in a long time....laugh and relax.

If any of this mess of a wanna be blog sounds like you, do yourself a favor and get ahold of it before it gets ahold of you.   I sat in my Endocrinologist's office in March listening to him talk to me about my extremely high cortisol levels and how I needed to slow down.   I didn't follow his advice and while my cyst may not have been preventable, I still think that God has a way of working in ways we don't expect to get us to listen and obey.  

Dear 2016,

It's been awhile since I've published a blog.   I have 3 drafts just sitting in my inbox but pushing the publish button on them never happened.   So here we are.

Dear 2016,
You were everything you promised and more.  You were hard.   You were ugly and you were full of surprises and not necessarily the good surprises.   But in the midst of the ugly, the tears, the heart break and the fears, you were doing something to me...to my family rather.   You broke our mold, you popped our bubble of comfort, and you stretched us.   You showed us that underneath the layers, there was potential.  Quite honestly, you gave us a year of growing pains...some that came with joy, but many that came with grumbling.  

You taught me that its okay to have a messy house, a sink full of dishes, and dust bunnies because only once in my life will I get to be the mom of a young child and because of that, legos trump dishes, basketball triumphs a clean house, and trips to sonic are going to be remembered more so than a house that looks pretty.  

You reminded me that I'm too quick to confide in others and that when my heart is heavy, I need to fall on my knees.   You showed me that in a season of loneliness, you are more than adequate.    You gave me hope on days when seeing the silver lining felt impossible.   You knit together a group of ladies that I can always count on to lift me up in prayer, even on the days when I'm at my ugliest.  
You gave me friends in places I'd never expect and you took away friends, I never imagined life without.  

You showed me/us, that we are not alone on this fostering journey, no matter how much it feels like it.   And on the days when I have been angry for allowing myself to be a part of this journey, you reminded me of how selfish I am and how much love I had to offer.   You showed us that life isn't about us, it isn't about being comfortable...rather it's about what I have to give.   You've taught me to let go and let God.    You've taught me rest and to stop and breathe because tomorrow is a new day, a new journey, and we never know what that will entail.    You've shown me that in the midst of tears, it is possible to find laughter.  

2016...I can't say I liked you or that I care to remember you but I can say you began to remold me into something better and my prayer is that over the course of 2017 I can see a teeny glimpse of your big picture for me. 

"For I am about to do something new."  Isaiah 43:19

Time Out

I read an article recently by Debbie Phelps, mother to Michael Phelps.   My feelings towards Michael Phelps have always been indifferent, I honestly didn't know much about him other than he was an olympic swimmer who went a little wild.   Previously before reading his mom's article I read about how Michael Phelps had hit rock bottom a few years ago and was turning his life around, giving his life to Christ.   I didn't know that Michael had ADHD.   His mom's article left me nodding my head in silent agreement and tearing up at what felt like an article written about my own son and our battles.  
You can read that article here http://www.everydayhealth.com/adhd/living-with-adhd/mylife/debbie_phelps/landing.aspx

You've heard me gripe, cry, whine many times before about ADHD.  It's hard and it's real.  It isn't a discipline issue, it's a problem my son struggles with day in and day out that has left him with little to no friends and constantly warming the seat in the principal's office.   I've always been my son's biggest advocate and I always will be even if that makes me the nagging mom constantly seeking what's best for him.   I will never stop sharing with the world how real and how hard ADHD is until the world realizes that ADHD is real and not just a misdiagnosed behavior problem.    

Did you know that children/teens who struggle with ADHD also struggle with low self esteems and depression, often secluding themselves because being a friend and finding a friend is one of the biggest challenges in front of them?   It's true and it's real and I am watching it daily in my son.   Over the last two years I've watched my son go from happy go lucky to I just want to be home with my family.   We've pushed him to play sports and were blessed by an amazing baseball team this year but overall we still continue to watch our son grow to love playing in the comforts of his home versus going out and making a friend.   He lacks the self-esteem and the confidence he needs to try new things.  

Over the last 9 days I've watched my son interact more with a  tablet and the TV than with humans.  I realized I've created this problem and now I have to fix it.   I've gone around and around with this decision but today realized that I have to fight for my son.   I refuse to let him fail and long to see him succeed.   So that being said, this family is taking a technology time out and this terrifies us.  For 30 days Dave and I will be giving up Facebook and our son will be pulling the plug on the TV and his tablet.   I'm not sure how this is going to impact us but my prayer is that it draws us closer together and most importantly closer to God.

Won't you pray for our family over these next 30 days that we can grow?  

You're missing out.

June 13th, 2014 marks a day for our family that changed us forever.   Our first little friend came into our home and I can honestly say, it hasn't been the same since.  While there are many days when I would pay money to have my calm, quiet life back, there are moments like tonight where I can't imagine not being a foster parent.

It's been a long week.   Nothing bad.  Just life.  Friday at 4:15 came and this exhausted mom went and picked two tired kiddos up from daycare and headed home.   Dave came in shortly after and we began discussing our plans tonight and I would be lying if I didn't admit that I had myself 95% convinced to stay home and relax with my family.   I'm glad I listened to the 5% that said go.

Tonight we attended a foster parent appreciation party.   Sitting down and feeding my little friend his supper, I became greatly overcome with emotion.  So much, I had to pull my sunglasses down to cover my eyes and the tears that were welling up.   To look around and see all of these beautiful children, knowing that they have endured more in the first few years of their life than I will have to face in my entire lifetime I was hit hard with a tremendous amount of emotion.  

These kids are heroes.  They are warriors.  They are fighters.  They are inspiring.   

And for me to complain about how my life has changed and become uncomfortable at times, well, that is just plain pathetic and petty of me.   Because unlike these littles, I have a strong family and a strong support system.   

What I'm about to say is harsh, but I say it with a broken heart for our broken world.   What is it in your life that keeps you from becoming a foster parent, or a respite provider?   And if you say to me "I'd get too attached", I might smack you.   Being a foster parent isn't signing your life away, it isn't forever.   It can be for a season.   You are needed and you have no idea how much.  

Jason Johnson has some inspiring words that hit close to home........

"Stop praying about it and do it."  

What's your excuse?

Let go.

My mind is mush.   It's going in 20 directions at once.   The fact that I just formulated two partial sentences has to be a miracle.  I'm tired.  My heart hurts.  My head hurts.   I literally got home and told my husband I needed a few minutes to clear my head and just took off walking...work shoes, work clothes and all.   I have no idea how far I walked, but I know it was a good walk.  

17 months ago our lives turned upside down.   We welcomed a sweet baby boy into our lives.   I haven't slept in 17 months.  I've put on 30 pounds.   I'm exhausted.   Work is a vacation most days compared to reality.  

We had court today.   I hate court.   There is something about court that puts me into anxiety mode.   Nothing about our hearing today was smooth.   There appears to be no end in sight to this circus we have joined and being brutally honest, I broke today.   After 90 minutes of intense testimonies the judge asked if anyone had anything to say...I hesitated.   Those next to me noticed.   In a teeny tiny voice I said "I do" and was thankful he didn't hear me, but then those next to me brought it to his attention and there at 6pm I found myself borderline meltdown telling the judge I just don't know if I can do this.   I'm exhausted.   I'm tired of the countless appointments and my side job as a chauffeur to those appointments.  I missed my dad's surgery today.   I missed sitting in the waiting room with my mom.   I missed my son's martial arts promotion to see him get his new yellow belt.   Instead, I sat in a court room growing an ulcer and working on a coronary.   

Fostering is hard.   There is no sugar coating.  There is no win win.   With this case I had big dreams.  I dreamed that we could truly be just the foster parents.  I wanted to build a relationship with the family and see this little one be reunified.  I wanted this.  I needed this.   I'm not feeling this.   Instead I worry.   I think about all of the what if's.   

Immediately after the hearing ended and the judge released us, I did something I haven't done in over 17 months.   I broke down.  I lost it.   I sobbed.  Not the quiet sob but the loud, uncontrollable sob that no matter how hard you try to stop, it just gets worse.   I was able to say things to those that needed to hear it and that were long overdue comments.   I literally just let go and wept in my husband's arms as he wept with me.   We're tired.   We're hurting.   We're frustrated.   We're experiencing everything we feel like we shouldn't be experiencing.  

I miss my life.  I miss the calm.   I miss my friends.   I feel lonely.   I feel tired.   I need to set up a go fund me account just for some beach therapy with my family.   I ask myself the tough questions...how can we quit this far in?   I don't know.   I don't know how I can give up on a child that has only known me as his caregiver and comfort for the last 17 months.  I don't know how I could say goodbye knowing it was on my terms and not a judge's terms.  I feel selfish for even thinking it but wonder how much more we can endure.    

I just don't know.   I appreciate all of the texts, phone calls, and messages tonight.   I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back with you.   Pray for us friends.  Pray for those involved on this case.  I believe they are all as weary as we are.  

Turning bitterness into joy.

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Being transparent.  This last year as been one of the loneliest  years of my life.   Hear me out.  I have a wonderful family.  I have amazing friends.  I have a job I am thankful for.  I have so much to be blessed with but I have been lonely.   A kind of lonely I can't explain other than my life has been so chaotic and full of ups and downs that I've lost touch with others and in addition to that, I've lost touch with myself.  

I've been in teenager mode.   The kind of mode where you just can't quite find your spot where you feel like you fit in.  I come with a lot of 'baggage'.  And by baggage I mean I have to be creative in juggling life and it's crazy, hectic schedule.  And by the time I get done juggling that schedule I'm tired.  And with tired comes isolation. And because of that, I started withdrawing myself and replacing joy with bitterness.   Happiness with sadness.   And it feels crummy.   

Yesterday I woke up with this crazy idea to go to St. Louis.  I had a need.  Yes, it really was a need.  I needed new work clothes.  As fun as that sounds, it's something I've put off for several months because I've not been happy with my size.  But alas I decided to embrace it and road trip with my little friend as Isaac had baseball practice so he and Dave couldn't go.   When I started out on this venture I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I felt like I should have had someone in the passenger seat chatting away about life with me.  I tried calling friends to chat with on the way down to St. Louis and like many people with lives, everyone's phone went into voicemail.   

So there I was, driving in silence and feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness.  But then as clear as it could be a light bulb went on and I realized that in the busyness and chaos of the last 2 years of my life, I had moved God from first place to God when I have time for you or the God when I need something.   And suddenly, it all became clearer..."to every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the Heaven."  I spent the remainder of my drive in prayer while my little friend napped.  Prayer for friends with big mountains ahead of them.  Prayers for my mountains.   I felt something I haven't truly felt in a long time.  I felt a teeny tiny sliver of Joy.   

Lysa TerKeurst posted this yesterday and it couldn't have been anymore directed to me:

Isn't it the most lovely thought that God might be waiting for there to be some silence in our lives in order to share some of His best secrets with us?

The enemy wants us to believe that times of silence are a curse of loneliness.

God wants us to know that times of silence are really pathways to closeness with Him.

So here I am friends asking you to pray for me.  Pray for me as I walk through this time in my life that feels like disorganized chaos.   Pray for me as I pray to turn my bitterness into joy and my sorrow into laughter.   Pray for me on the days when I'm feeling grouchy and the days I feel weak.  Pray for me as I walk through the times of loneliness that I will use these times to grow with God and to find myself again.   Pray for me to find joy in this journey that we called life.